Memories - Part 2

Long ago since I wrote my last entry. Sorry for that. We had a few personal problems in our family and that needed everyone's fully attention.

As I said in my last entry, I got sick after my little trip outside.

I opened my eyes slightly, rubbed the fatigue off, blinked and yawned. I touched my belly where the babys were kicking and punching inside. I smiled and whispered:  "good morning, sweets"
Then I remembered the last night, yes it was stupid to leave the fortress
for a walk. But I needed to clear my mind. I thought about Paris 'hope he feels good today' Then I moved out of my bed, walked into the bathroom and took a shower. 

After showering I dried my skin and hair, walked to the closet and took out a dress, panties and a bra. Combed my hair and got dressed. I looked to the face in the mirror and nodded. Thought 'okay I look acceptable'. 

I put on my shoes and left the room. 

I walked through the hallways to the kitchen, opened the fridge, took out bread, cheese and milk. Yes I really needed a coffee and the day could start.

That was what I thought... but...

Hours later

I rubbed my eyes again. "Damn it what happened?" I realized that I was still in the kitchen. 

"Why did I sleep again?"
I held a hand on my forehead. It felt warmer than normal. "Oh no
please not. Not now!"
I stood up, feeling a sudden dizziness, pressed my hand on the wall, breathing deeply in and out whispering to myself:  "ok Ash, you can do it."
Then I moved slowly out of the kitchen through the hallways, always with my hands touching the wall, breathing deeply again thinking it would be better to rest a few minutes. I rubbed with one hand over my face.

In that moment Gwen found me but I didn't saw her - it was not possible. She asked me if I was okay.
I looked up to her, shaking my head, when the dizziness increased "No... not really" I sighed and thought to myself that I had to reach the bedroom.
"guess I‘ve got a flu."
Gwen put my arm over her shoulder. "come, ill take you to your room"
I was so glad and leaned my head on her shoulder. "thank you. But... please... slowly okay?"
Yes, I asked myself why this could happen to me now. Now! When my Maddox was
somewhere outside. Gwen wrapped her wing around me and walked slowly. "okay"
I looked up carefully, Gwen let me pushing my weight on her and slowly we were walking up the stairs.
Suddenly a sudden attack of weakness overcame me, made me tremble. I felt the cold. Gwen stroke my  arms, moving me close to her using her body heat to try and warm me. That felt so comfortable. A moan left my lungs, I could see the door to my bedroom. I asked Gwen: "Why me? Why now?" I felt a single tear running down my cheek. The heat of Gwen warmed my body a little.
She glide her thumb over my cheek. "It will be okay Ash" Then she carried me to my room "Lay down on the bed."
I crawled into the bed, lying down, looked at her. "Thank you you so much for being here."
She smiled at me. "No problem". Then she filled up a bowl with cold water and put a cloth in the water letting it soak up the water.

I really tried to smile at her. "My head feels like it would explode." I felt the cool wetness on my forehead.
Gwen smiled at me.  "Now what would Maddox say if I let that happen?"
"Oh I wish Maddox would be here now. I feel so lonely." My eyes burned while I blinked a few tears away. "He will be back, he loves you more than anything."
"I hope he will be back before the babies are born."
Gwen nodded. "He will."
I grabbed her wrist. "Can you please tell the others that I'm sorry? They have to do the housekeeping alone." Gwen smiled. Now that I'm thinking of that moment I wonder why I was thinking of everyone but me.
"Yes, you will feel better after a long rest. They will be fine. I think me and Olivia can fill in for you. So don't worry."
Then I told her to take care of Paris. He deserved the attention. 

"Maybe Paris can visit me when he returns from where ever he is... but... could you please bring me some Tylenol?"

She stood up, got the Tylenlo from the cabinet (thanks to Maddox. We can comfort a whole city with Tylenol) in the bathroom and gave it to me. I smiled at her.

"Thank you.

Then she left the room. I took the Tylenol, leaning, laid my head on the pillow and tried to rest.

 I turned restlessly over the mattress, sweat running down over my entire body. My head felt heavy, my cheeks were burning. My heartbeat was very fast and I breathed shallow. I fell into a nightmare.

This nightmare was horrible and I wrote down everything. I don't want to write about it again, sorry. It still scares me. So here is a copy: 

My eyelids are fluttering while I dream of my past, of the institute
and McIntosh and what he did to me.
In my dream I see myself how I was before my life changed. Hearing
all those damn voices, making me crazy. The fear, the pain.
I see McIntosh who had told me he wanted to help me. Told me he'd love
me, taking care of me. See myself that I helped him to find immortals to help them - as he told me. But the reality was different. He never wanted to help them. He used me, I was just an instrument.
My dream is changing, I see myself on the hill in front of the
fortress to find the lords. Maybe they can help me to stop the voices. I see myself when someone attacked me with a dagger, feel the shock, closing my eyes. Then I open the eyes only to look into those
beautiful violet iris and that beautiful masculine face. I realize that the voices had stopped bothering me and I enjoy the silence. In my dream I ask the man about his name. 

Maddox. 

What a wonderful name for a wonderful man. He walks away, I follow him. 

The dream is changing again. I see Maddox chained to his bed, screaming, while Reyes pierced his body with a sword. Over and over again. I have to watch him dying - can't help him, cry, shout. Feeling
someone behind me, holding me tight. I remember, it was Paris. Yes I can remember how I felt when Maddox stood in front of me - intact. 

I dream of everything that happened to me and him. The love, the
fear, the anger. Seeing McIntosh dying in front of me scares me 

The dream is changing again. I see Galen with a sword in his hand,
Maddox in front of him. His evil grinning scares me. Then he
raises the sword in the air, pulls Maddox' head back. I see Maddox,
eyes widen. He looks at me and scream, then Galen laughs and cuts Maddox' head off. 

"NO!" I woke up from my dream, screaming. Tears were pouring down my face, gasping and sweating. I realized that it was just a dream - a horrible dream. The dizziness overwhelmed me, I fell back on the pillow.

I was still crying, the dream was so real.

In my next entry I'll continue.

Maybe not a good idea...

Dear Diary,

well last time I've told you about Paris and his "Wine-trip". When he left the fortress while I was sleeping, I was so pissed. Oh really, I just needed some time for me. So I left the fortress. I knew Torin would have a look at me, so I was not really worried.

I can remember everything as if it was yesterday...

'better that I leave...' I thought, 'dunno when I'll return.' See you later
I left the fortress, dunno where to go... just needed time for myself to calm down - alone. I needed to take a walk. A few minutes later I was standing in front of the fortress. The fresh air was good for my mind.
I breathed in deeply and walked a few steps knowing that Torin would watch every single step I did. So I felt myself secure. I could see the lights of Buda down the hills.

I haven't realized that Paris was near. 

Later he told me that his heart dropped as he saw me standing outside the fortress...alone.

I realized that I forgot my jacket, so my arms started trembling very fast.

"Ashlyn!!!!" Paris shouted, "Why are you out here by yourself!"

I walked to a tree and leaned myself at the trunk. I could hear a voice shouting my name... was it Paris? But I couldn‘t see anything.

"Ashlyn" Paris rushed up to me.

I was thinking to myself: 'Next time I need to take my jacket first' 

Then Paris touched my arm. "Honey, why are you out here? By yourself? ALONE???"
I looked at Paris.  "Hey good to see you. Just need to clear my mind."
Paris walked the rest of his way up to me, took me in his arms and just stood there hugging me.

I felt his warm body, his strong arms around myself. A single tear left my eye. 

Paris said: "I'm so sorry, so so sorry to make you worry so." He rested his chin on top of my head. 

I realized that I was not able to find the right words and decided to stay quiet and just hug him back. I guess Paris felt a slight tremble goig through me. 

He said: "Oh baby, please don't cry, please. I don't deserve your tears..."

 
That was too much for me. I whispered: "Of course you do. You deserve everything"
I breathed slowly in and out, calmed down and finally stopped trembling.

Paris meant: "I didn't realize that I was hurting you and making you cry, that was so selfish of me to do. It's just.." He sighed into my hair.

I felt the urge to hug him tighter, said: "Just... know that I was worrying and did everything to comfort you"

 
Later he told me that he was thinking to himself that it was strange how Lucien's ass reaming lecture didn't get to him, but seeing me out here.. He said:  "I know you did. You didn't have to, but you did. Somewhere in part of me, I heard you."
He pulled back, holding my shoulders and looked into my eyes. 

"I can't absolutely promise this won't happen again, but I swear, SWEAR...that I will do my best to make sure I don't get that bad again okay?" Then he pulled me back into the hug. 

I nodded at him. "I‘ll believe what you say."

 
He picked me up in his arms. "I need to get you back to the fortress. It's cold. Your pregnant. Were alone. Anyone could hurt you."

 
I shook my head.  "You know that Torin never sleeps. That was the reason why I left without hesitation."

 
But that was not good enough for him. Still gently repremanding he said: "There are hunters out there. You could have fallen. Hurt yourself." He continued to walk.

I smiled slightly at him. I couldn't hold back my comment. "WHO is worrying now? But thanks anyway." I leaned my cheek on his shoulder.

Then he got to the fortress door with me, took a deep breath. He opened the door, sat me down.

I sighed because I didn't know what he would say now. "Uhm Paris... don‘t... wonder when you enter your room..." When he was sleeping I've just cleaned his room. It looked horrible - with all that empty wine bottles and all those worn clothes. Couldn't help myself.

He was surprised and asked me:  "What happened to my room....?"

 
I coughed. "I‘ve decided to clean up everything. Washed your clothes, removed the bottles ect."
Then I felt a single kick in my belly. "Paris, look at me. I guess it‘s time for me to sleep. Even that the babies are awake now. Look they‘re kicking again."

 
He looked down, a smile at the thought of growing life brightening his face. I could remember that, a few days ago (when we were shopping in Buda), I felt the first kick and Paris was with me. He was the first one who held his hand on my belly. And I saw tears in his eyes. That has touched me. "Yes, Ashlyn...please get your rest, you need it."

 
I smiled at him shocked by the strengh of the babies. "But I have to be sure you‘re okay."

 
He gave me a kiss on the cheek. "I'm sure my room looks beautiful and thank you...and Maddox for understanding."

 
I hugged him once more. "Hun,you‘re always welcome. I‘d do anything for you. For everyone of you."

 
Then he walked towards his room, seemed to be suddenly tired again. "Goodnight Ashlyn."

 
I smiled. "Good night and sweet dreams Paris." I waved at him and walked to my bedroom.  

Then he turned back to me. "I'll be...okay. I'll see you tomorrow. Please go get your sleep." And then he smiled. He finally smiled at me.
"Goodnight dear", he said, "tell those babies of yours that their Uncle Paris loves them." He winked at me, turned back to his room, and stepped in. 

I laughed. "I believe they know." Then I opened the door and walked  inside. I prepared myself for the night. Later I was laying in the king-sized bed, thinking 'I'm happy Paris is back, save and healthy.' I turned my thoughts at Maddox. 'Gods... Darling I miss you so much.'
 
Then I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.

But that was not everything... the next day I got sick *sigh*. Next time I'll tell you what happened.

Memories - Part 1

Before I write my first entry, I want to tell you first what has happened in recent weeks. It was a very hard time for me, since Maddox was gone for a very long time. He had to fight many hunters and I have missed him infinitely. Lucien had once mercy on me and flashed me to him. But the rest of the time I had to endure in the fortress.

 
In that time I was plagued by nightmares. Horrible nightmares, in which our enemy, Galen, held Maddox's head in one hand - separated from his body. This dream troubled me every night and I woke up screaming and sweating very often.

 
Since two weeks Maddox is finally back and the dreams have stopped. Fortunately.

 
In the time without Maddox I've been cared very lovingly of Paris, who developed a certain relationship to his wine bottle. I knew how he feels, because it was like I felt. Therefore, I took care of him, as good as it was possible for me. One evening he left the fortress, hiding himself and got drunk up to unconsciousness. Lucien and I have finally found him and brought him back home.

At home I stayed all night with him and cared for him as best I could. I was very much afraid of him. Still, I love him like a brother.
At some point I must have fallen asleep, because when I woke up, his bed was empty and Paris was on the floor - again unconscious. I'll never forget that day:

Slowly, I wake up, stretch my body, yawn, open my eyes. I blink a few
times and rub over the eyes. I am terrified.
This is not my bed, not my room - but it’s the room of ... Paris! What happened?

I think back to yesterday, rub my temples, they’re throbbing slightly.
I remember. Lucien and I have found and returned Paris
back to the fortress.

I look beside me ... but he's not there. So he must have woken up. A
slight smile brightens my face. I sit up abruptly, I cringe. My neck
hurts terrible. Carefully, I slid to the edge of the bed, swing the legs outside and on the floor
and get up wavering. First, I need something for the pain, then I'm looking for Paris. I rub
my eyes again, go through the room, stumble on something, look down....

A leg! Startled, I realize: Paris' leg! I look down at him lying on the floor. 

“Oh my God!”
I kneel down beside him, shaking his shoulders. No reaction. I look at his face, see residue dried tears.
Gently I stroke his forehead, his head, his hair. Something wet falling on his face ... a tear. My tears. 

“Paris! Do you hear me?”
No answer. I get up as fast as I can. Fortunately the babies are quiet.
“I’ll get help, I promise.”
I walk through the corridors, seeking anyone who can help me
“Where are you all? I need help.“

And I found help. Danika has helped me to roll him at least on his mattress. The warriors are too heavy for us and more was not possible.

But Paris woke up and left the fortress - again - without my knowing.

I was so scared. So angry. I just needed a few time for me, needed some fresh air. So I've also left the fortress to take a break. In my next post I'll tell you what happened.

Introduce myself

Hello,

my name is Ashlyn Darrow and I'd like to share my secret thoughts with you. Why? Oh I don't know - but sometimes things happen and I need someone to talk.

Well, this is my story:

All my life I was shunned. People thought I was crazy because I could hear voices in my head. At each place I walked in I heard the voices of those who have ever been there. Whatever the language, I could understand everything.

 
These voices made ​​me crazy. I suffered a lot and the pain was unbearable. My parents gave me away because they couldn't tolerate my "gift " no longer. Dr. McIntosh, leader of the Institute for Parapsychology took upon myself and he was for years something like a father to me. I thought I would help the Institute, I tracked down by supernatural beings, helped them to find immortals. But unfortunately they only used me, I've found out too late.

In Budapest my life should be changed. I heard about some strong men with supernatural abilities who should live in a fortress near the city. I gained confidence, maybe they could help me. So I started on my way and met a beautiful warrior. Maddox. The moment we met, the voices were silenced in my head. I followed him back to the fortress, which he did not really like.

 
There I found out that Maddox was cursed. Every night he had to die. I could not bear it, especially since a deep love has developed  between us. He was there for me when I was sick when I almost died.
When an impressive young woman called Anya explained to me how I could redeem him from his curse, I forged a plan, and sacrificed myself. His brothers were not initially enthusiastic, but ultimately consented.

 
Maddox completed a bargain with Anya, goddess of anarchy, and I could get back to life. Now we are bound together. If he dies, I'll also die. Soon we are expecting twins.  

And even if Maddox has to struggle with his demon, Violence, he is the most desirable man for me and I would sacrifice myself again and again.